Totally Krossed Out

Seeing as its New Years, I took the time today to listen to an old classic... timeless music of which I will never tire. Ok, scratch that. I listened to Kris Kross - Totally Krossed Out. I didn't listen to the whole disc, just a few tracks. Just enough tracks to make sure that I still know all the words. I might have to put that on my resume!

Excellent Memory - capable of reciting an entire album of rap lyrics from the year 1992 when required. Includes memorization of difficult words such as wiggidiwiggidiwhack. Also willing to wear clothes backwards if necessary.

My history with this album is pretty deep. It must've all started in the summer of 1992... there was this really cool kid at a science camp. No, it wasn't me. He made me a tape of Totally Krossed Out - and changed my life. There was also a girl - and she knew that they spelled their names Kris. She thought she was really cool, because she knew all about them, but in retrospect.. she was not cool. She was a groupie, for a pair of 12 year old kids wearing their pants backwards... thats wiggidiwhack indeed.

I remember dropping that tape into my bright yellow Sony walkman, and hearing the sounds of the ghetto!! Maybe for a second, I thought everyone in the ghetto sounded like that... they sounded so raw? no... thats not it... it was... rough! Nah...they were... castrated? Maybe thats it. But that didn't matter - cause this was hot. My cousin quickly remarked "Oh, I used to listen to Chris Cross! That guy rocks." But no, this wasn't that Christopher Cross... that weird dude that somehow won Grammy Awards back when a sax solo made girls melt... these guys wore their pants backwards and spelled their names Kris. Yeah. Me and my walkman - we were rad.

Later that fall, my birthday rolled around. A good friend got me a legit copy of the tape (see RIAA, sometimes piracy does work out). Man, that album cover was off the hook - their pants were on BACKWARDS! Damn. The quote still echoes in my ears: "It was a tough choice... it was either this, or Shakespeare's Sister. But I thought you'd like this one more. Shakespeare's Sister seems like a bit of a fad.". Thanks Joel, you made the right choice. Although that track Stay was stellar at the time, 14 years later, it can't hold a torch to I Missed The Bus. I also got the tape of U2 - Achtung Baby that birthday... that album was ok, but they didn't wear their pants backwards or anything.

I guess I sort of grew away from Kris Kross over the years... That second disc "Da BOMB" just wasn't very good. I think I might have gotten it from Columbia House for a penny or something. I got ripped off. There was a flicker of hope one night, when I heard some high pitched voices rapping on 93.5 FM... the voices were so similar! But alas, it was Salt-n-Pepa. Years passed, and I didn't even think to Jump Jump... but like all good romance stories, we found our way back together. I was working at a restaurant one summer in high school. One of the cooks asked me if i could help him move on a Saturday morning. The dude was named Mouse.. and he looked like a Mouse... yknow, how the biggest dude in prison is called Tiny? Yeah, he was Mouse in that sorta way. Like 6'6", 260. So, we did the moving thing, and instead of paying me for the help, he let me raid an old shoe box of CDs. There was some crap in there... but then at the bottom - there it was. Totally Krossed Out. on CD. Although digital, it still sounded the same... we had been re-united.

Quickly thereafter, the world of music opened up. MP3 became a part of the lingo, and CDs started to gather dust. Those old tapes were practically growing plants out of the ecosystem of dust that had built up on top. My walkman had been stolen years before, and my discman skipped a lot. Soon enough, iPod and thousands of songs at my fingertips. Although some nostalgic classics were mixed between the pitchfork hipster indie playlists (Michael Jackson - Dangerous, anyone???) there was no Kris Kross in sight. Maybe I was paranoid of playlist judgment, that terrifying moment that occurs during a headphone-jacking when you might curse that choice of adding Celine Dion to your iTunes (no, I've never been there... its a metaphor, i swear).

But today, through a generous friend, on the far side of the globe, whom I have never met, and the beauty that is Bit Torrent, we have again been reunited (RIAA, i own the tape and the CD... just a reminder... you've got your dime...)... again, we have been reunited. The voices are still too high, the sound effects sound pretty dated... and Jermaine Dupri mumbling in the background sounds, well... like a pedophile, but the album is a classic. i will add it to my iPod, and I won't be ashamed. Because anything less, would be wiggidiwiggidiwhack.