Careers 101

Remember those tests you could take in the guidance office of your high school? Answer a bunch of questions, and they'd tell you what job matches you best. When I filled out that test, I got a perfect score. My destiny popped off the page like an illustration coming to life; I was going to join the circus.

I should've seen it coming... some of the questions seemed a little loaded, but I like answering boring questions creatively:

1. You are walking down the street and notice a crowd of people running scared from a lion. What do you do?
a) Run for your life.
b) Rescue the women and children.
c) Whip the lion until it lets you put your head in its mouth.

(Hint the right answer is c)

I never paid much attention to the results. I was going to play in the NBA - but then my destiny of becoming a 6'5" black point guard went awry... I stopped growing at 5'11 (and 3/4") and stayed white. Then I was going to run guns to Nicaragua (had the boarded up building chosen and everything), but that was too easy; needed more of a challenge. It wasn't until a summer of job searching left me in the dark that I remembered my original calling.

When you think about it, the benefits of the circus are overwhelming:

Firstly, there is never a dull moment. This ain't no desk job; sitting around watching the clock tick tock away. This is action packed, lion taming, fire juggling, three ringed madness. There is always something breathtaking going down, non-stop!And if you ever had an urge to curl up in a corner to catch a nap, you run the risks of waking up spooning with the bearded lady... or part of a Sigfried and Roy sandwich... if there was ever motivation to keep busy - thats it right there.

Secondly, the opportunity to travel is second to none. And we're not talking about the normal sights... this is a chance to see hidden gems that are off the beaten path. Anyone can see Paris on a postcard; but what other job will allow you to visit the empty fields and Walmart parking lots in second rate cities, towns and hamlets throughout the country? If you're lucky enough to score a job working for one of the lower quality outfits, the traveling can become much more spontaneous; all it takes is one limb lost to a starved lion, or an awkward encounter between an audience member and a "starved" bearded lady, and faster than a lawyer can say subpoena, the circus disappears...leaving nothing but an empty lot, the stench of hot animals, and the clown-induced shattered innocence of countless children.

Finally, the networking possibilities make the circus the obvious choice for any aspiring young member of society. Sure, if you go to a respectable University, absorb a few books, get some grades... you might get a reference from an influential professor. When you compare your professor with my future colleagues though... well, its no comparison. Can a professor swallow swords? Juggle fire? Pound nails up their nose? Didn't think so. How about ride elephants, chase monkeys, or tame tigers? Nope. Look bad-ass in a leather suit while riding a dirtbike around that metal sphere? Not a chance. So, if I ever get tired of the circus, my referees will be second to none. Could you imagine the phone calls for the background check??

Excuse me, we are calling concerning the credentials of a particular Ninja... who says he once worked for your company

Ring Master: Around here, he is known as the eighth wonnnnderrrrr of the world...
Freak Show Member: The most normal and down to earth person I have ever worked with.
Bearded Lady: Such an ethical man... he would never mix business with pleasure. Whenever I would make an inappropriate advance, he would go to great lengths to avoid anything immoral. And thats hard to do... I am a very handsome woman!
Sigfried: His spooning puts cutlery to shame. He would be a great asset to any employer.

But, for those of you who choose not to follow me on this career path, never fear. I don't expect we would ever come into competition for a job... I can't foresee a reason why I would ever leave such a perfect profession. The job security and opportunities for advancement rival any other gig out there.

I envision that I would probably start by following elephants. With a shovel. Sounds ugly, but really, its training. See, with the grip strength conferred by a job of sweeping and scooping, my trapeze muscles will be primed for a promotion. After swinging from the rafters, my mentality will be tuned onto more simian wavelengths; monkey trainer here I come. With the sublime knowledge and enlightenment from the apes, hook me up with a turbin, and I'll be predicting futures better than any chinese cookie. Thanks to my telephathic skills, I will be in the right place at the right time the next time a tiger decides to attack... give me some tight pants, a blonde perm and a whip... i'm training tigers.

Eventually, the good life will get to me. Too much cotton candy, peanuts and popcorn. The abs that served me so well on the trapeze will give way to a gut. And of course, a gut, leads to a new career move. With my newfound girth, I'm withstanding canon fire like a fortress, while moonlighting as the amazing pregnant man in the freakshow. See, me and the bearded lady, we'd make the most twisted couple anyone had ever seen. We'll travel the world... draw in the crowds, rip them off and split town... the circus life is the life for me.

If anyone wants to join me, you're more than welcome. Look for the nearest run down field, or K-Mart parking lot.... sooner or later we'll be there. To get the job, you really just need the correct documentation. For the naturals, bring along that test from your high school days, proving your pedigree; for the rest of you, the converts.... just bring along that university degree thats been gathering dust and getting you nowhere; after all, your parents did say it would serve you well some day!